I'm the goddamn Easter Bunny

This week a very special teacher has roped me into basically lying to her 1st grade class and responding to the each of the letters they sent to the Easter Bunny. She gave me this job under the strict condition that I not write anything insulting/degrading/inflammatory, so I'm a bit at a loss for what to actually say. You see, if they had something interesting to say to the Easter Bunny I'd enjoy the ruse, but this...


{sigh}

Dear Katie,

you need to calm down learn to spell and vary your syntax. learn to spell.

Best wishes,
EB
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Dear Kasahn,

Funny. I don't recall ever playing with you, that means you're really creeping me out. Stop. You may as well abandon your imaginary friends now, they'll only leave you in the end anyway.

Best wishes,
EB

p.s. Your teacher tells me you have a problem with incontinence. Work on it.
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Dear Collin,

"Dear bunny, are you a duck." You're either remarkably tuned into the subtle ironies of the postmodern age or one dense son of a bitch. I'll bet money on the latter, but take heart and fake it til you make it, little man. I do like jelly beans. Inside the Easter eggs you will find cologne.

Best wishes,
EB
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Dear Kaitlin,

Royal blue, competitive sailing, prosciutto, none of your goddamn business.

Best wishes,
EB
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Dear Alshareif,

What the fuc

Best wishes,
EB
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There are many, many more but I'm getting depressed just scanning them in. Happy Easter.